Should I Call Him First?

Photo by Rowan Papier

Photo by Rowan Papier

Question: I hate playing games in dating. I don’t understand why I have to wait for the guy to call me, when I can just call him myself. This isn’t the 19th century!


While I’m not suggesting that we fit into the gender roles created in the 19th century, men and women do have gender-specific primordial impulses that are hard to ignore in dating. Those impulses have lead to a norm where men pursue women, especially those who make it difficult for them.

Of course, if I could re-write human nature, I would have made the process of pursuit more fair to both parties, but what I’ve learnt from my years in dating and relationships, is while society’s views on dating has shifted for some, it hasn’t for everyone, men especially. I know…that’s probably not what you wanted to hear. 

In the last century, women have had to be more aggressive than ever to be heard to try and shatter the glass ceiling held above us in men-dominated fields, so it doesn’t seem very progressive of me to be suggesting we take the supporting role, and wait for the man to tell us how he feels.  However, this position isn’t about being completely complacent. There is power in not making that first call. You are indirectly communicating that you deserve to be pursued, and to be chased, because YOU are a prize. Set that precedent for the relationship ahead; watching a movie on his sofa is not a first date, picking you up for dinner and going out to a movie is. You don’t have to be explicit when setting ground rules for how you expect to be pursued, it can be as simple as keeping him at arms length until he gets with the program. You let him make the moves not by initiating contact and setting up plans, but by responding sparingly and on your terms, so you’re in control of the board. Surprisingly, you will feel very powerful when you give the man the lead, and let him go after you and your attention, while you focus on running the world.

I’m sure there are women out there shaking their heads with stories to prove me wrong, I wish I had one of those stories to tell, but this is what has worked for me. 

Lots of love,

Gabby xx